Acceptable Usage of "Rad"

Don't use this adjective in any circumstance. Of course using it as a noun is perfectly acceptable. For instance, you are referring to the outstanding 1986 film of the same name, starring, among others, the beautiful Lori Loughlin and Bart Conner. Yep, that gymnast plays the antagonist. In all circumstances when "rad" is used as an adjective you are trying too hard to sound hip, which means you sound like a tool.

1A. The First Person on the Dance Floor at a Wedding Reception

I've been doing a lot of thinking since the first post, and what has become apparent is this: I don't want to be some butt dart Steve ripping on people in every post. In addition to calling out those who need our help, it is also my responsibility to tip our collective hat to those under-appreciated by the masses. We'll kick off the positive portion of this blog by giving a fist bump to the first person on the dance floor at a wedding reception.

Case Study:

Samantha, 28, is in attendance for the wedding reception of her boss' daughter. The only people Samantha knows at the reception are Brock (her boss), and Steve, her co-worker who still inserts pennies in his loafers and will more than likely hit on her later in the evening. Samantha is single, and the only reason she came to the reception at all is because Steve told her he overheard their boss say he's considering giving her a small raise...and the open bar from 3-4. Samantha has survived dinner, the emotional and awkward toasts, and the first dance. Brown-eyed Girl, the Van Morrison cover band with body language that screams We are so above this, has kicked into "Domino," yet something is wrong. The dance floor is empty. People are standing around the dance floor--Steve is even tapping his penny loafer to the beat--but no one moves, and for good reason. There is nothing more socially perilous than strutting onto the dance floor first. And yet, something inside Samantha--something foreign to most of us (it's called courage)--compels her to cross the line and dance alone...for the entire song.

Observations:

1. Don't get me wrong, many people will eventually dance, but only a few extraordinary individuals, such as Samantha, have the courage and true confidence to cross the line separating carpet and parquet. In that moment when the band plays and no one makes the move to the floor, we all are reduced to high school sophomores. Everyone instantly falls back into playing the Cool Game, in which all decisions are filtered through the simple question: Will this make me look like a d-bag in any person's eyes? Anyone at all?

2. Samantha gets bonus points for going it alone. It's one thing when an old couple goes out there and dances like they did at sock hops (how big of a Steve do you have to be to make fun of them?); it's entirely something else when someone like Samantha goes out there. Here's why:

a. She's completely aware that no-one but Steve and Brock know who the hell she is.

b. She knows there are women--her age and older--that are whispering Is she married? or Who did she come with? Yet Samantha pays them no mind. You want to know what real confidence looks like? Look at Samantha dancing like a puppet being played with by a two year-old.

c. Yes, Samantha's had a few drinks, but the world would be a much better place if liquid courage took the form off happy, albeit painfully awkward dancing. She's not a puker, a crier, or a philosopher drunk. She's a dancing drunk, and there just aren't enough of those around these days.

d. When young couples go out and get the commoner dancing going, it's cute or romantic; but solo Samantha has just willfully put a flag over her head that says There's an outside shot that I will make a scene at some point tonight. She takes on that challenge, and before you know it she's anointed the Pied Piper of the wedding.


Reaching Out:

Everyone has been to a wedding reception where no one dances, and you know what? Those receptions suck. Those are the receptions where half of the fun people have left after a few hours to go sit at a bar (I've always hated this move). Guess what, the decision to go to the bar is made very early in the night, and by all of us. If the party gets off to a good start at the reception, it becomes the place to be. It becomes the place where by dancing we say let's get a little weird...it's been a while.

I challenge you, my fellow social environmentalists. I challenge you to be the Samantha when no Samantha presents herself. I challenge you to have the courage to save the reception. I challenge you to be stared at, laughed at even, because you know what must be done. You know that you're the only one who is up to the task, and I challenge you to do so knowing you will probably never receive the thank you you deserve from the bride and groom. I challenge you to make their wedding not suck.

6/10/08

In addition to writing this blog, Phil is a member of the band Bloomsday Rising. Go to link to find additional information, videos, music, and more.

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1. The Male Pattern Baldness Ponytail

1. The Male Pattern Baldness Ponytail

Let's start with an obvious one: the male pattern baldness ponytail, heretofore referred to as MPBP.

Case Study: Steve, 41, is just like the rest of us. He wakes up in the morning, does is buns of steel work-out, has a plate of Oreo Cookies and a glass of goat milk for breakfast, takes a shower, and goes to work. Maybe Steve's a teacher. Perhaps he's even a lawyer, but he's probably a computer tech or a key grip for a late-night public access television program. I can make this assumption because Steve proudly sports the MPBP. He has anywhere between six and twenty-two hairs in the frontal lobe region of his head, yet he pulls them back with the rest of his hair from the side and back region of his head into a ponytail held together by a purple scrunchy. He goes through his daily routines unaware of the absurdity, because none of us fellow citizens has the courage to stage an hairvention.

Observations and Findings:

1. MPBP is not entirely Steve's fault. MPBP is similar to gaining weight, in that the reduction of hair follicles has been a gradual, subtle process in most cases, and Steve simply doesn't see what we see when he looks in the mirror. When he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt's hair from Legend of the Fall.

2. Alongside the old school comb-over, I become more incredulous at MPBP with each passing year. With the new millennium came society's full embrace and acceptance of bald dudes. Hell Jason Statham is a freaking action movie star sex symbol. How about Ed Harris? He's a bad ass in Gone Baby Gone. Cal Ripkin is bald, and I'm pretty sure my happily married sister would let him buy her a drink, not because he was, at the end of his career, an overrated short-stop who put his record in front of his team's best interests, but because he's a good-looking dude, regardless of his hair situation.

3. By sporting the MPBP, Steve limits himself to about 100 out of 1,000,000 perspective significant others. That's just not good business, especially in the business of love.

4. It is timeless. Under no circumstances in the history of mankind has the MPBP looked good or been heralded. Even if Steve is a synth player in a widely successful Journey cover band in 1986, MPBP is not OK.

6. MPBP makes all those around Steve uncomfortable.

7. MPBP promotes negative gossip. It doesn't make Steve a worse person, but it makes me a worse person because I must tell everyone I know about it (a difficult civil duty, but a civil duty nonetheless).

Reaching Out:

With a MPBP, you, Steve, are less likely to apply sunscreen to your dome (because of the 6-22 hairs "covering" his scalp), leaving you more susceptible to melanoma. None of us like cancer, Steve. MPBP is a enabler of cancer. A friend of cancer is no friend of ours, Steve. Are you pro-cancer, Steve?

posted on 6/6/08

To report MPBP, contact Phil In Transit at this website.

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